In November, I decided that I was going to start cutting my own hair – since I don’t have a lot of hair to begin with – versus paying $40 every four to six weeks to have a licensed professional cut it.  I’ve been straightening and doing minor trims on Mrs. Snark’s hair for years – in-between her salon visits – and she almost always receives compliments.   At her most recent salon visit, Mrs. Snark’s stylist, Helen, gave me high marks for my work, “I’d give him a B-plus.  He kinda knows what he’s doing.”  Eyeroll on the “kinda”, Helen.  My thinking was that as long as I used the clipper guard attachments, then it would be almost impossible to mess up my hair.

For six months, I had great success in cutting my hair with no mishaps – a #6 guard (3/4 inch length) on top and #4 guard (1/2 inch length) on the sides and back with a bit of blending.  Easy peasy; consistently good cuts; saving time and money; and it’s actually kinda fun. 

Then in June, I created a new style dubbed the Oopsie ‘do.  While Mrs. Snark was out playing Mahjong with her girlfriends, I decided that it was time for the monthly trim.  There may have been a beer or two involved.  So, I got out the clippers along with the #6 and #4 guards and went to work.  I started on top with the #6 guard and moved to the sides with the #4 guard.  All good. 

Then I turned off the clippers, set them down on the vanity and retrieved a handheld mirror – to be used in conjunction with the vanity wall mirror – so that I could see what I was trimming in the back.  Unbeknownst to me, the #4 guard – which has always been a loose fit on the clippers – detached from the clippers when I laid the clippers down on the vanity.

I switched the clippers on, looked in the handheld mirror and ran the clippers from the nape of my neck to the crown, and a large clump of hair fell onto my right shoulder.  “Oh FUDGE!!!”  Only I didn’t use the word “fudge”.  I couldn’t believe my mistake.  Without the guard on the clippers, I carved a nearly two-inch wide swath on the back of my head leaving the hair 1/16 of an inch in length versus the intended 1/2 inch length.  Ugh.

When Mrs. Snark returned home, I explained what happened and we went into haircut correction mode … with no alternative than to cut the back and sides to 1/16 inch and to cut the top to 1/2 inch so that it blended in better with the sides and back.  The end result was essentially a High and Tight haircut. 

When the cut was finished, I broke into song (“Come Together” by the Beatles) with accompanying body gestures (documented in parenthesis) …

Here come old flat-top – (skimming my hands across the top of my hair),

He come grooving up slowly  – (rhythmic swagger),  

He got ju-ju eyeball – (pointing to my right eye),

He one holy roller – (hands in prayer)

 … causing Mrs. Snark to burst into laughter.  Lesson learned and good material for a Snarky article, but a much shorter haircut than planned.  Bye bye #4 guard.  You gone!  You out!